Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
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Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels