I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
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*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached