“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
You Might Also Like
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor