Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
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(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene