I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
You Might Also Like
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Bruh PLEASE
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Girl, same.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up