“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
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Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM