*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
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scenes of unspeakable carnage
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal