DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
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Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.