Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
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Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know