5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
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I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
also my go-to takeaway order
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Lol
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns