[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
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Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.