me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
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Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
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Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Yup.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful