[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
giddy up Office Depot
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!