I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
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If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
LOL!
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Hello Twits.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.