‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
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My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
not to brag, but mine was free
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.