Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
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White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Just how popey was the pope today?
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I beg your pardon?
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating