*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
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Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep