I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
You Might Also Like
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.