You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
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My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
technically true but not a great slogan
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.