“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
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Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.