Finally!
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People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there