*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
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My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future