girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
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Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING