You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
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Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”