Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
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[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Flock of bats
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs