Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
You Might Also Like
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
still the best tweet of the year by far
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters