angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
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you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries