Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
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*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
is this store having a stroke wtf
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
How to draw a duck
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend