Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
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I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I forgot how to panic. Help
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”