Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
You Might Also Like
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
knights of the ikea table
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.