Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
You Might Also Like
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[shakes fist at other fist]
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?