*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
You Might Also Like
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
#Caturday
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”