Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
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Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”