I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
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ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school