[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
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I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on