When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
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Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
🤣🤣🤣
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
My beach vacation Google searches
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]