My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
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I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.