Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
You Might Also Like
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
This is true.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*