[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
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Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.