Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
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Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Yup.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
OH. COME. ON.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Great game to play with friends
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems