James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
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Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality