Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
You Might Also Like
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.