DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
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A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.