Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
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whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
our love story in four pictures
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*