lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
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Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.