“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
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mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I’ve been drinking.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why