Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
You Might Also Like
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?