this isn’t threatening at all
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I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Taking phone security to the next level.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
i choose….tongue
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.