Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
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My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
“no gods no masters” = leo
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Cannot stop laughing at this
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day