The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
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My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”